i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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