Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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