literally had 100 drinks last night.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
