I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
