I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
