Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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