so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
