dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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