I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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