Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
