I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
