i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
