Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
