Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
