I'm going to jail i love you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
