I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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