I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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