then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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