just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish there were birth control emojis
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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