I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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