Please don't use social media to get back at me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
