the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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