Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
