Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
