the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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