how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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