last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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