Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.