Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
