If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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