I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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