if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.