How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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