I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
