One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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