I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
