do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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