I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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