if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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