I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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