It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
