Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
