My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
