my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
