My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
