Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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