Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
