Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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