dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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