dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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