every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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