This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
