Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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