Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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