I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
