the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
