i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
