a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
