She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
